TheClassicPorn! They say some things never go out of style. Martinis, red lipstick, and lace underwear have all made the list, but usually, it will vary wildly depending on who you ask. One thing that everyone can agree on, though, is vintage porno. That type of sexual gold is exactly what’s on the menu over at The Classic Porn.
Even in these futuristic times of interactive sex video games and VR hump helmets, perverts keep coming back to the classics. TheClassicPorn.com has been peddling their wares since 2006, which tells you that people love what they’re putting out there. What’s truly amazing is that their catalog actually goes all the way back to the 1960s. Their newest offerings, from the ‘90s, are already decades old.
Beating Off Through the Ages
TheClassicPorn is not a sleek, modern-looking site. No, this is even a vintage layout. I have to assume it’s intentional, even though it ain’t pretty. If I stepped out of a time machine into an unknown year, turned on a computer and saw this, I’d guess we were living in the ‘90s again. Hey, have you guys heard Nirvana yet? Kurt Cobain is really going to blow up one day.
Today’s Most Popular DVD and Films are lined up in a row at the top of the screen, just like you’re looking at a shelf at the rental place. Remember those back rooms at the otherwise family-friendly video stores? The only thing missing from TheClassicPorn’s entrance are those swinging saloon doors.
What’s popular today? I’m glad you asked. There’s a vintage anal sex movie (1995) called Ass Action, 1990’s Hidden Desire filed under the category Facial, and a Rocco Siffredi flick from 1994 called Tarzan-X: Shame of Jane.
If the ‘90s weren’t your favorite porn era, no worries. Other flicks on Today’s popular list include Intikam Kadini, a Turkish classic from 1979, Loves of Lolita from 1984, and a porno comedy called Swinging Wives, originally released all the way back in 1971.
The trailers are available without signing up and logging in, so I checked out the one for Swinging Wives. The trailer seems to be a DIY affair, somebody speeding through the entire movie and stopping from time to time to give us a quick taste. The big hair and polka dots are ridiculous, the colors are ‘60s loud and the film is grainy, but there are some sexy, classic beauties on display here. I think it’s time for a closer look.
Way Cheaper Than an ‘87 DeLorean
A cute banner on TheClassicPorn’s landing page breaks down the numbers. As of this writing, they’ve got 8,332 DVDs/movies. There’s a picture of Steven Spielberg, because this site has 240 times what that lazy bastard’s directed. They’ve also got nearly 12,000 photos and well over 8,000 pornstars.
The last figure in the banner breaks the membership down at $0.83 a day, or a sixth of the cost of a Big Mac. That number’s not accurate. Regular price is about $35 a month, so about $10 more than that. The longer memberships actually break down to 66.6 cents a day, so make devil horns when you’re gripping your cock to this vintage porno. During my visit, I also found a limited offer for a month at $8.32.
It’s worth noting that a regular monthly subscription to TheClassicPorn is just slightly more than the standard $30 every other porn site is offering. The sign-up page says they only have Quality Classic Porn and Only Exciting Plots, so maybe that’s part of the appeal.
Classic Beauties in Classic Pornos
As a longtime scholar of the art and history of pornographic cinematography, I was impressed by TheClassicPorn’s collection of Pornstars. Hit the dropdown in the header and you can jump right to their male or female sections, sorted initially by Top-Rated. The site packs a ton of info next to the thumbnails, including birthday and birthplace, years active, nationality and ethnicity.
Click through to a pornstar’s profile and you’ll find a full bio with much more information. It’s a pretty standard feature of a decent porn site, so it’s easy to miss the effort that’s gone into this. Info on porn sluts is a lot easier to come by in this modern era, especially if you just filmed one. Somebody at TheClassicPorn had to do actual research to dig up what you’ll find here.
I made my way to the first page of female pornstars, where I found a Who’s Who of the industry’s most beloved classic beauties. Anette Haven, Hyapathia Lee, Desiree Cousteau, and Asia Carrera all grace the top the screen, generally with their big porno tits out.
Each of these goddess-level sluts is a true legends. They’ve all been in a ton of movies. PJ Sparxx: 248. Madison: 194. Domonique Simone: 274. The numbers are kind of wonky, because when you click through you’ll find a full list of the films they’ve been in with ones available on the site highlighted in blue. Neither number seems to match the one out front. I’d care more if TheClassicPorn had fewer films on the site, but each girl has a thick catalog here.
The top chick on the whole site is Brigitte Lahaie. Born in 1955, the French whore banged out porno movies from 1977 to 1998, starring in a whopping… one movie? That can’t be right. Let me just click this number.
Digging Into All These Vintage Porno Movies
Brigitte’s Filmography page says she’s been in 51 films as an actress. There are actually around 40 listed, and I’m entirely cool with that because the vast majority are available to watch on TheClassicPorn; only 4 are grayed out, lost to time or some asshole hoarding the rights.
One of the issues I noticed earlier about TheClassicPorn is that the tags aren’t that great. It’s old-school because you sometimes have to read the synopsis or look at the pics just to find out what kind of action you’re in for, but I don’t think it’s intentional. I imagine it comes with the territory of digitizing thousands of old movies; tagging them means somebody has to watch them all in their entirety and catalog the depravity.
The lack of tags shows up on the Filmography pages, where you largely have to go by the film titles. Half of Brigitte’s aren’t even in English. Only a few have tags, so I make my way to the one with Anal, Facial, and DP. It’s a 1979 sex movie from Caballero Classics called Serviced with a Smile.
The Hottest Whores Who Ever Lived
I thought the older flicks might get to it a little more slowly, but no, Brigitte was on her knees in the kitchen within the first minute. I can see immediately why this girl’s cock-sucking is legendary. I would have loved to stick mine in that beautiful face, too.
The flick is broken up into 8 parts, which I didn’t really like because it makes it harder to find specific things I’m looking for. I wanted to skip to that anal and DP, but I can’t say I was disappointed watching her ride one dude while stroking two other cocks. I’m not sure why they break the movies up, but I assume it’s yet another quirk of digitizing older flicks.
While their tagging of specific sex acts per film may be sub-par for a modern porn site, I love how deep you can dig into porno history in each info section. DVD rips and VHS dubs on TheClassicPorn have a ton of meta-data, including not just co-stars and categories, but directors as well. Click on a name and get much, much more.
The well-researched and well-documented history of smut is just one of TheClassicPorn’s selling points. Obviously, the biggest seller is going to be their ludicrously huge stash of vintage and classic pornography.
Most sex movies recorded before the digital era are long gone, never to be seen again. The ones that remain have been cherished by perverts, dubbed and passed along and saved because they’re just too fucking hot to let go. TheClassicPorn offers fuck flicks that have been getting people off since before you were born. There’s a damn good reason Classic is in the name.