Vintage Cuties and classic beauties will always have a place in my heart and masturbation fantasies, no matter how many generations of modern sluts I continue to shake my dick at. So much porn is made and forgotten that you have to appreciate the photos and videos that have stood the test of time. When you’re cranking it to vintage smut, you’re continuing a sexual legacy that may have lasted a hundred years or more. Imagine being so sexy people are fapping to your memory a century after you died.
VintageCuties.com is a premium porn site and historical archive of smut spanning from 1850 to 1990. The site itself got its start in 2005, making it somewhat historical in its own right. While the early aughts will be remembered by smut scholars as the age of cam sites and reality porn networks, Vintage Cuties proved there’s always a horny market for the classics. That retro sex legacy continues to this day, carrying the fuck flicks of the past into the future and beyond.
A Masturbatory Journey Through History
Right from the jump, it’s obvious VintageCuties ain’t your typical adult website. The design itself looks vintage, simple and low-tech compared to the flashy 4k anal collections and VR cosplay paysites the major studios are putting out these days. Most of the photos are in black and white, and there’s a fucking ton of text on the page.
As the web’s preeminent expert on dirty movies and jacking off, I often like to crack jokes about the pornographic history degree I got at Yale and the TED Talks I’ve given about the aesthetics of felching in modern cinema. The academic vibe on VintageCuties makes me feel almost like a fraud. I’m not even joking when I say you can really learn something around here, studying up while shaking your dick at the screen.
Of course, despite the site's educational value, there’s still plenty of dick-shaking to be done. This is, after all, a vintage porn site. I like how the PBS tone kind of shatters when you notice all those sepia-toned photos are naked ladies, blowjobs, and all-out old-timey orgies. Sometimes you hear the phrase “vintage porn” and you think classy nudes and softcore poses, but there’s plenty of hardcore stuff and even some BDSM right on the landing page.
Some of you are going to be surprised they even had porn like this back in the old days. I watched one of their movies from the 40s, overlayed with old-time orchestral music since the film didn’t even record audio, of some sexy black chicks dancing for the camera. They’ve got stripper moves like standing on their heads while the white boy touches their twats. The clothes come off as they dance, revealing exactly why they’re called VintageCuties. Once they’re fully nude, they strip the dude and fuck him.
Legendary Pornstars of the Past
These beautiful women have been immortalized in smut, lending their images to new generations of masturbators even as their names and stories are often lost to the steady grind of time. There are many unknown amateurs and undersung models in the archives here, but connoisseurs of fine filth will recognize some of the most famous vintage pornstars of all time.
They’ve got porno movies starring giant-dick megastud and multiple murder suspect John Holmes during his peak. You younger perverts may remember him as the guy Mark Wahlberg played in Boogie Nights, except John’s monster ding-dong wasn’t a prosthetic. You’ll see that machine at work inside those vintage cuties in the archives.
Maybe you’re more interested in the classic babes, and I don’t blame you. How about Desiree West, the classic ‘70s ebony cocksucker who was inducted into the XRCO Hall of Fame in 1997? There’s also Candy Samples, a massive-jugged babe who banged her way through the ‘60s, ‘70s and ‘80s. She’s mostly known for her later work as a MILF, and also starred in 1974’s sexploitation classic, Flesh Gordon.
Vintage Cuties has some really informative, well-researched writeups about vintage babes like June Palmer, “one of England’s greatest gifts to the nude magazines of the 1960s.” I also learned more about Sylvia McFarland’s multi-decade run in the business and her mature ebony boobs than I’ve ever known about my own grandma. Virgina Bell, Margaret Wallace, Linda Gordon and Little Oral Annie have all been covered in detail.
Altogether, they’ve got around 800 vintage pornstars doing their dirty thing in photos and videos immortalized for all time. It feels like some legit Time Life series giving us an educational and entertaining tour of what our grandparents were into. Only, you get to enjoy the entire thing with your pants around your ankles, your junk completely coated in Vaseline, and the Viagra dust you snorted dripping down the back of your throat.
Cheaper Than a Time Machine
If you follow my reviews here at ThePornDude, you know one of my most hated trends in porn paysites is the fake-out preview. You know exactly what I’m talking about: you see what looks like a free preview video, but the “Play” button just brings you to the sign-up page. VintageCuties.com has genuine video previews out front, and they also keep it old-school with a perk rarely seen anymore, giving new users a free trial membership. I was happy enough about that, but while I was looking over the terms, they offered a full membership at half price if I’m ready to jump in.
The standard membership at Vintage Cuties costs $30 a month, the same going rate you’ve been paying for most paysites over the last few years. Members also get unlimited trial access to a handful of mega-sites, including Naturists, Real Mature Amateurs, Homemade Junk, Hairy Pussy Cuties and Amazing Grannies. If you get tired of looking at old nude photos, you can look at old naked ladies. There are nearly 200 hours of content in the bonus area, so I hope you’ve got a bunch of sick days saved up.
None of the porn on VintageCuties is new. In fact, some of it dates back 170 years. That doesn’t mean the site stopped updating decades ago. The vintage porn enthusiasts who run this joint are always on the hunt for new old stock, retro blowjobs, threesomes and lesbian scenes. While some modern paysites have slowed down their updates thanks to the coronavirus pandemic, VintageCuties.com is still promising updates every day.
Daily updates since 2005? Even if you sat on beanbags in the retard math class, you probably realize that’s got to be a massive stash of porn they’re already sitting on. Somebody get this pervert an honorary degree! I’m not even counting all those bonus sites when I tell you the vintage porn collection here is absolutely fucking enormous.
According to the stats on the signup page, they’ve got almost 200,000 vintage photos. There are 1,300 retro videos to watch and over 1,500 vintage adult magazines, scanned and ready to “read”. I’m professor Porn Dude and your homework today includes a fap to some of the 1850-1920 Era videos, a look at the Burlesque Girls photos, and reading the site’s well-researched history of Bonnie Logan, ‘50s pin-up queen.
Like Jacking Off at the Museum
You know, Vintage Cuties really reminds me of that time I got chased out of the museum for whipping my dick out while appreciating the baroque nudes. The entire site manages to feel both historically educational and fappably sexy. You can learn how they trimmed their hairy muffs, or didn’t, throughout modern history, while getting an intense forearm workout. Regular linguists will marvel at the way sex noises and dirty talk have evolved over the years; cunning linguists will be fascinated by the development of on-camera pussy-licking techniques.
It’s hard to find real fault with VintageCuties. The collection is a little softcore by modern standards, but they’ve managed to archive a fair amount of surprisingly hard and kinky material. I think the biggest turnoff for potential subscribers might be the image and video quality, which is naturally going to be way fucking lower than a movie made today. If that’s your beef, though, maybe vintage porn just isn’t your thing.
VintageCuties.com is a winner if you’re looking for a deep library of historical dirty movies and retro pornography. The collection itself is massive, and the setup makes you feel like you’re learning something while you aggressively yank at your lubed-up genitals. Roll in all that bonus content and you’ve got a really well-rounded collection of smut. These guys are one of the last paysites offering a free trial, so give it a shot if you’re into the classics.