What’s up, you naughty little cum-fiend! You know, sometimes, I like to enjoy the classics. Sure, it’s nice watching the hottest girls of today get down with the nastiest sex trends in insane quality. Nowadays, it’s like you can look at any slut of your choice beat off while you watch from outside a fucking window. That’s how far technology’s come! But, there was a special kind of charm to porn back in the day. The 80s dance music, the permed hair, and stockings. I mean, holy shit! Do you remember stockings?! Remember when that used to be sexy?
Now, every time I talk to a girl about it, they just say it’s gross and sweaty! While we have the kind of porn that would blow the average person’s mind today, we can never really recapture the vibe of those porno flicks from the 70s, 80s, and 90s. I bet everything seemed so new back then too! You know what? I say we’re spoilt! We should go back to buying porno at sex shops and sitting through an entire movie we can share later with our friends. Haha! Nah, fuck that! But, it’s nice to have a little taste of what once was.
Luckily for us, a few places on the web feel the same way. And today, we’re getting that sweet vintage goodness from Faphouse.com! This site has a sweet collection of damn near every vintage movie from the 70s onwards. When I was browsing, I half expected an episode of F•R•I•E•N•D•S to pop up! It was THAT fucking retro!
I couldn’t get enough of the vintage-style recordings either. I almost felt like I was in 90s New York. I wanted to buy a cheap blow-up doll and hook up with a stripper named Candace! I’ll tell you what! The perverts back in those days were something else. I mean, you think I try hard to find porn? These guys didn’t have access to a world of sluts at the click of a button. They had to drive to a town where no one knew them, walk into a shady store with as little shame as possible, and convince the store owners they weren’t too fucked up! I’d love to go back just once, haha!
The vintage videos on Faphouse.com will have you nostalgic over a time you were never in. These aren’t just 5-10 minute clips either. These pornos are straight from the VHS tapes. You’ll be enjoying hours of old skool goodness like Joey and Chandler. The only catch is, unlike that episode of F•R•I•E•N•D•S, it won’t be free. That’s right. I’m afraid you’re gonna have to reach into that wallet yet again to watch these old gems.
I know, I know. Yet another expense on your porn budget. But, if you’ve got a taste for the pre-2000s, this might just be worth it. I mean, this is a completely seamless and ad-free experience. Furthermore, it’s EXCLUSIVE. You won’t be able to find these VHS burns anywhere else. You’ll be jacking off to shit that only people in the late 1900s got to jack off to. That’s a special kind of privilege if you ask me!
Pure Vintage Pleasure
The site's color theme is pretty much the same as Pornhub: Black, gold, and white. Except, the background of the page is white instead of black. The overall layout is pretty simple, which is a win in my book. And guess what? Since it’s a paid site, you can browse all that vintage goodness free of any kind of ads — all 121 pages. In fact, you can browse every video completely free of charge!
Like any self-respective porn site, each thumbnail allows you to hover across the thumbnail for a seamless video preview. You’re going to be seeing a LOT of old skool orgies. There were SO many orgies back in the day. It was kind of the thing back then, along with BDSM. Now it’s step-family porn and solo amateur videos, haha! Who could have predicted that?
If you’re really into the videos you find in this category, you can click the little heart at the top of the page to add it to your favorites. And you most likely will! There’s a simple yet intuitive filter at the left of the page. There’s not much to it, but I doubt you’ll need an entire list of filters for videos made up to 50 years ago.
You can sort the search options by videos or studios. There’s also the option to sort by the most popular or the newest added. Most sites have more than just the two, but the less work for you, the quicker you can cum, right? There’s also the option to search by quality, including SD, HD, and 4K. That’s right. Your lucky ass gets to watch pornos in better quality than anyone did when they were first released!
90s Porn Jams and Pubic Hair
I guess we’ve gotta get this out of the way first. Faphouse.com is an exclusively paid site. So, you’ll have to subscribe before enjoying all that sexy, exclusive content. In return, you get access to hundreds of thousands of pornos you can’t find anywhere else! Think of it like joining an exclusive club where all the members bust their nuts to top secret porn content.
The subscription fee is €9.99 per month. Compared to most paid porn sites, this is a fucking steal! And hey, if you find that the content is too good to leave behind, you can pay a lifetime fee of €299.99! That’s about 3 years' worth of content, and you can watch the rest for free for the rest of your life. (Just don’t lose your password!)
Now, let’s get to the good stuff! Faphouse.com has a serious collection of authentic vintage porn content. I’ll tell you this; you’re gonna find a hell of a lot of orgy videos. Like I said, that was kind of the thing back in the day. If there was one thing the baby boomers loved, it was group sex and latex! (There’s a hell of a lot of BDSM content too). One of the first videos I enjoyed was like a 90s timestamp.
The title was “Nasty Anal Orgies with DP”. This video was the height of the classic porn era! It was like a celebration of 80s dance music, funky hair, pubes, and cigarettes. Believe it or not, there was a time when pornstars had hair down there! Go and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me! I wonder why everyone started going bald… It was probably the crabs! Haha! I’d make sure everyone I fucked was clean-shaven if I knew they fucked 10 people before me!
In that video, a group of people shared one baseball bat. Yeah, you read that right! And EVERYONE got a turn! Haha! (Even the guys. And they didn’t have pussy to stick it in — I’m sure you can do the math!) I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone there walked away with some crabs. It was a beautiful mess. Just a bunch of cocks, pussy, and funky hair flying around the room. It was such a treat!
The vintage BDSM videos are just as tasty. They weren’t any tamer than the shit we watch today. I’ll tell you that! In the first BDSM video I watched, there was a bitch tied to wooden beams, getting double nipple piercings. They really went to town on that slut — whipping and teasing her pussy while she was getting off to both! That’s some old-school pleasure and pain right there.
What I Liked
It’s not often that I see so much exclusive content in one place! There are hundreds of videos here that you can’t find anywhere else! These videos are authentically ripped from VHS tapes for your enjoyment. And boy, are you going to enjoy it!
I also love the generous video previews. Unlike many paid sites, you know what you’re getting into from the previews. There’s just enough content to tickle those balls and have you reaching for your wallet and a packet of wet wipes.
What I Didn’t Like
With all that being said, I’m spoilt, just like everyone else. I want free shit! Everyone does! It couldn’t kill to have one free video for new users? Why do I always have to reach for my wallet whenever my dick gets hard?
Tips From ThePornDude
Certain exclusive channels upload a few of the videos on the site. Those videos require you to subscribe to them to be able to watch any video from that channel. The thing is, if I’m on an exclusive site, why the fuck would pay for even more exclusive content? That sounds stupid, right? That’s because it is! My tip? Get rid of extra subscriptions or make the site free.
If you’re looking for authentic and exclusive vintage pornos, look no further! Faphouse.com is home to a collection of some of the raunchiest porn content captured before the year 2000!
You can subscribe to the site to enjoy all the 80’s porn music, cigarettes, and pubic hair you desire! You’ll feel like you’re time traveling, except you’ll never want to come back to the future! Haha! Have fun, Dirty Mcfly!