CuntWars aka Chick Wars! What a fucking name for a site. They are definitely not messing around. No, Cunt Wars is not about a couple of chicks finally duking it out in a ring, though that would be amazing. Cuntwars.com, made by hooligapps, is a card-based strategy game. I know, I know. It sounds lame, but before you go zipping up your pants and taking your wank elsewhere, hear me out. I’m usually pretty bored by porn games in general. There’s never enough action, the game concept is usually pretty weak, and there’s always some sort of catch where you have to play for ten hours before you see a titty. This game is a welcome change to that overdone formula.
Awesome Desktop and Mobile Experience
Everything for Cuntwars runs in your web browser, so you don’t have to download any weird software to play this. You create a login using your email and it saves your progress for you as you go. Having the game in the browser has the added bonus of being able to close it out quickly if anyone walks by. Just hit that x and you’re back to your excel spreadsheets no problem. Just make sure to have headphones in, and make sure you don’t have to stand up for a while because this game will get you rock hard in no time.
Cuntwars also has a mobile version of the game where you can download an app and continue your bitch collecting, demon-slaying journey over there. It’s not on the Android or IOS store, but if you type in the website on your phone it will take you to a page where you can install the app. And I have to say, it runs fucking great. All of the same functions as the desktop version. No lag. You can sync your progress, too. The only issue is that it’s a bit of a battery drain, but it’s really not the kind of game you could play outside of your home unless you want people seeing big titty hentai babes all over your screen. So, I’d definitely recommend playing in the comfort of your home.
Straightforward Plot with Jaw-Dropping Illustrations and Animation
The concept for the game is fairly straightforward. It is a fantasy RPG where you play as the dude named Adam who is going through some sort of hell to defeat demon lords, collect bitches, get fucked, and gain power. Nothing difficult. No twists and turns. You eventually unlock new characters and the story probably gets somewhat deeper, but that’s the main focus of the game.
The game is great to look at too. Fantastic animation and tons of lewd characters, scenes, and cards. Everything has vibrant colors, and it genuinely looks like the artists put a lot of time into crafting all the sexy shit you get to see. Hell, the loading screen shows your boy Adam surrounded by all kinds of hot demon bitches doing all kinds of kinky shit. The cards and graphics aren’t all boring vanilla shit either. You get bondage, oral, anal, squirting, lactation, feet, and all kinds of fetishy scenes for all of you sick fucks out there.
Every time you win or lose a fight you get this victory or defeat card that shows your character either fucking or getting tied up by all of your enemies. And it’s not the same graphics every time like other games. You get different scenes depending on what monsters you fight. That’s pretty fucking sweet.
Easy Game to Pick Up
Sometimes these porn games can be super fucking confusing. There’re usually a dozen options where you have to micromanage all of your abilities just to play the damn game. Thankfully, Cuntwars takes a different approach. You start off with a prebuilt deck, and this smoking hot demon bitch walks you through a dozen or so fights before you go off on your own.
Basically, you play the game by drawing a hand full of cards with sexy demons, angels, and other fantasy chicks. Then, you can set cards out on the field below in a melee row or set down cards in one of the two ranged rows in the back. The opponent can then place cards in front of yours so that they can do battle, while moaning and making cute hentai noises along the way of course. Each card has different abilities like splash damage, piercing damage, summoning, double attacks, shields, etc. It’s a full-fledged strategy card game for sure.
The goal in a battle is to defeat the opponent by getting past their cards and hitting them directly until they are all out of hearts. You hit opponents directly by having no enemy cards in front of your cards. Once that happens, your bitches will attack them directly and deal damage to their heart counter. When they hit zero you win and usually get coins, gems, and experience.
Lewd Characters, Minimal Microtransactions, and Sexy Character Upgrades
Coins let you buy more bitches or items in the shop. Gems are a premium currency that let you become a VIP, or you can buy exclusive booster packs with it. Thankfully, it looks like you can earn these gems at a relatively reasonable pace without shelling out your hard-earned money. VIP status lets you earn even more gems, get more lives in certain areas, do more online raids, and other pretty good benefits.
It doesn’t get you any exclusive porn that I can see and that kind of blows. Experience allows you to upgrade your bitches and make them more powerful. When they get more powerful, you probably guessed it, their cards get lewder and they get sexier. I upgraded one of my snake ladies and it made it so that she lost her shirt. Now, her tits bounce around when she’s on the battlefield. Hell yeah.
The main storyline has you fight through the various circles of hell to defeat demon lords. When you get to the end of a quest you unlock a kinky image of your character in some sort of hot scenario. The images aren’t animated as I would have liked to see, but they are still really fucking good for a porn game. You can even go back to view them in the gallery if you need some private viewing time. But the Journey section where you embark on the main plot is only a small section of the game.
The true game comes when you complete that and get to the various Leagues. These leagues are raids that you can do alone or with other players and friends online. You can also engage in one on one battles with players online to earn much more gems, coins, and experience than you would just doing story missions. These leagues go from 1 to 29. You start at 30 and eventually make your way down to 1 by doing battles and leveling up. And judging by the chatbox that constantly runs behind the game client, I would say this game is pretty fucking active. Lots of players to team up with, so you don’t have to worry about getting really into this game only to find out that the servers are a ghost town.
ThePornDude’s Favorite Features
My favorite feature about the game is definitely the card building system. It’s what all good card games have been missing all of these years: porn! Who knew that lewd cards, a fun battle system, and hot hentai noises was what we needed to take competitive card games to the next level. Everything about the system makes sense. It’s not too complicated, so you can jump right in even if you haven’t played many card games before.
Also, the balancing of the game is on point. What I mean by that is that games like this usually push too much game and not enough porn. Cuntwars is a pretty perfect blend of both genres here. They give you the porn you want without also sacrificing the gameplay for it. It’s competitive, fun, challenging, and hot as fuck. It’s like the perfect girlfriend.
ThePornDude’s Final Suggestions
My only suggestion would be to see some animated sex scenes. The still images are great, but it will really turn this shit up to 11 if they had short animations. Other than that, no complaints here!
ThePornDude’s Final Thoughts
Cuntwars is an awesome RPG card game that you should definitely try if you’re into these kinds of games. Embrace your role as demon slayer and step into hell! Go get bitches, fuck demons, and have a good time with this game. I’ll see you in League 1!