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I’ve already done a dating tutorial in the past, but I figured you guys could use a refresher with some modern takes on how to be a proper person. I won’t call it sigma or alpha, because I’m not a cringe-ass pickup artist.
I’m the Porn Dude. I’m a living legend. I want to give you actual advice that you can use to have a better life and score more pussy. I’m not a fucking lifestyle coach. I’m the real deal.
It’s Not You; The World is Fucked
Men’s rights activists are concerned with self-respect and honor, but they seem to be out of their fucking minds. Feminism fixed a lot of problems, but it raised a lot of confusing questions. The average person is not an activist, but we’re all suffering the effects of modern-day progressivism. It’s a shitshow out there.
I want to spell this shit out for you and try to push you in the right direction with some proper modern dating advice. Keep in mind, most of the stuff I’ve already said in previous articles still rings true, I just figured it’s time for an extended take.
Confidence Takes Time
The one facet to dating that has nothing to do with women directly – confidence. That’s where it’s at. You need to be confident, plain and simple. But, if you’re reading this article, you’re probably…not. Do not despair! I have a cure for your despondency. It’s time, the cure is time.
You need time, in the right direction. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither was Charlie Sheen. You want to grow into the kind of man who gets laid all the time and takes very few Ls, it’s going to take a long time for you to find your groove. But, once you get there, there’s no going back. Dating is a lot like riding a bike. You fall on your face a few times, then learn how to fall on pussy instead. Eventually, you can do it without using your hands. That analogy kind of got away from me. Still, it’s crazy what experience can do for you.
Confidence is an acquired skill that mostly stems from knowing yourself. Like Tyrion Lannister said: Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you. He knew what he was on about. This is the core of the pursuit of self-fulfillment. And no, I’m not going to be cryptic throughout the whole article. I just want to put down some cornerstones. I’ll show you how this shit actually comes in handy in real-life situations. Hell, let’s dive into one right now. Time’s a waste.
At the Bar
I’ve had a lot of coffee in the middle of the day in all kinds of bars. Most of them were posh modern cafes, but the same principle applies – they have an actual bar you can sit at. So do that. I’ve sat, I’ve drank and I’ve minded my own business. Throughout it all, I’ve thought about my job, my life, my gym routine and general existential philosophy…until a waitress swung by. This has happened at least a dozen times already. Every time a waitress comes around, I just have to say hi. I’m a charmer.
This is where things get kind of complicated. A woman at work is a woman who does not want to get flirted with, as a general rule at least. So, how do you talk to waitresses or fellow drinkers at the bar, without breaking their rules? Simple. Say hi, then let them do the rest. Smile, but not too widely. Practice that weird-ass half-smile that dudes in boy bands are popular for. If you’re in a bad mood, don’t be afraid to show it. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve gone home with a girl just by being stressed at a bar during the daytime. They ask me how I’m feeling, I tell them it’s been a hard week, they want to know more. By the end of it, they’re buying me drinks.
The Painful Rejection
Before we go any further, let’s address the elephant in the room. You’ve already followed this kind of seemingly bullshit dating advice and it didn’t work. I know. It won’t work this time around either. Why is that? I had this young buck ask me for dating advice a few weeks ago and I gave him some very useful tips. He took it all as gospel, he asked a girl out and she dead-ass laughed in his face. He came to me and said: Mr. Porn Dude… why does she hurt me so? What did I do wrong? Short answer, nothing at all.
Look, if a woman laughs in your face when you ask her out, then she’s a terrible person, plain and simple. Can you imagine laughing in someone’s face when they’re vulnerable? It’s about as painful as a frontal knife jab. If a woman willingly does that to you, or to someone else, she’s horrible and you shouldn’t talk to her again. I know you want to tell yourself that you’re a loser and you deserve to get laughed at, but that’s part of your problem. No one deserves to get laughed at. Not you, not Charlie Sheen and not the shitty self-described pickup artists of current day. No one deserves to be mocked for trying to climb out of their shell a little.
Being Told No
What about regular rejection? Well, if she has a boyfriend or a girlfriend, that’s just the end of the story. You should be happy for her and her significant other. If she’s single and she rejects you, there’s a plethora of reasons as to why that might happen. Usually, it’s because she doesn’t find you attractive, but in my personal experience, women would rather date a fun and confident dude than one with a chiseled jawline. I mean, I have a chiseled jawline, but rest assured – if I went around asking for chicks to jizz on my face, without even introducing myself, I’d never get laid.
When you get rejected, you can proceed in one of two ways. The first and go-to default for most situations is to say “Damn shame”, gently shake your head and walk away. Or, go back to your drink and stop looking at the girl. Give up on the contact.
The other variant is useful when she gives you a reason why she can’t go out with you. You are free to try and offer a counterpoint, but not if it comes off as pushy. Basically, if a chick says something like: “I don’t even know you, so I can’t”, you can say “I understand. I’d like to get to know you, right here or wherever you feel safe. Your call”. You’re basically saying “I accept your rejection, but remain open to you in case you change your mind”. You still end up walking away in the end, but you give her a chance to stop you. It’s a worthwhile endeavor.
The Friendzone
It’s bullshit and Joey had no idea what he was talking about. The friend zone is not a real thing; it’s an excuse for the pathetic and the weak-willed. If you want to bang a woman and you offer to do so, then she says she’d rather be friends and you agree… well, that’s pathetic, usually.
I’m making a sweeping generalization here, but at least in my experience, men who accept the friend zone, usually do so to remain in a chick’s orbit while they hope that she “comes around”. This is shitty behavior. You’re basically lying to her and you’re lying to yourself. Fuck that noise. You’ll be more respectful to both of you if you tell her, to her face: “I do not want to be your friend. I want to be your lover”. Then, again, walk away.
You’re not supposed to win at everything, at all times. You’re supposed to stay honest with yourself. Do not let anyone bend your will and force you into a compromise you never asked for. If you want to love a woman, then fucking love her. If she doesn’t want your love, you can’t turn that shit off, but you can walk away. Do not apologize for the way you feel. Do not pretend to be someone you’re not. Accept other people’s reality and prevent them from trying to alter yours. You deserve better than to willingly turn yourself into a dog on a leash.
Dating Apps Are Dead in the Water
I’m… kind of old, at least in internet terms. I’m practically a dinosaur. Still, I’d like to think I do well enough. I’ve banged chicks I met on Tinder. It worked fine. They’ve even sent me nudes to jack off to right off the bat. Most of the babes that send nudes on Tinder in the first 30 minutes of chatting are probably just looking for a mutual fap. They exist. This isn’t some sort of “singles in your area” bullshit. They’re real. Most of them are on best dating apps, too. But here comes the bad news – I had my success on Tinder two years ago. I tried the same thing recently and it flat-out didn’t work. The whole damn platform had turned into an Instagram profile marketing network. No dates. No babes.
I’ve heard a lot of dudes say that women on socials and dating apps are cancer. Get this. It’s not them. It’s men. Men are catfishing you. Men are treating you like dung. It’s mostly men that use dating platforms as marketing outlets. Oh sure, they use women to do the actual advertising, but you’re being fucked by men. So, before you go bitching about how the bitches aren’t on your dick on time, consider that it might be someone else’s fault. Not yours, not theirs, but the stupid ass system that’s fucking all of us equally. Tinder is dead and we killed it.
Networking is How Its Done
The difference between a successful corporate head and a second-rate crypto trader is all in the networking. Making friends; that’s where it’s at. Whether you’re looking for women or trading tips, you need comrades. You need to leave a good impression. Charisma isn’t just a tool you use to get into women’s panties, it’s your connection to the world. If you leave bar and everyone there remembers you as a welcome presence, then they become your wingmen by default. Men, women and children who remember you as a likable guy are all wing manning for you by showing you respect and appreciation. The women around you soak this shit up. They see that you’re an upstanding member of society. This is the proper alpha shit. Not Chad’s behavior. Be a lone wolf all you want, but lone wolves die alone wolves.
Another bar story for you: One time I spent a couple of hours at a really boring watering hole, talking to drunk people and getting them to sober up and make clever decisions in life. I basically sat there showing them empathy and understanding. It meant a lot to them. Turns out, it meant a lot more to the babes a few tables over who were watching me and listening intently. One of them went home with me that night. She saw, firsthand, that I was a cool dude, that I was making the world a better place. When you strike out, don’t go home. Go elsewhere. Go somewhere where you can be a welcome presence. Go make a small part of the world better. It’s preferable to going home and being miserable over getting rejected. Trust me. This kind of thinking pays dividends.
Modern Cheat Codes for Picking Up Chicks
I wouldn’t be much of a douchebag if I didn’t at least give you some quotable nonsense that you can memorize and keep in your back pocket. These are the too-long-didn’t-read aces that you can put up your sleeve for later. I’ve used all of these to great success several times over, so they come with a seal of approval.
The Value of Giving Versus Requesting
Numero uno, don’t ask for numbers, give your own number away. A business card works even better, but only if you can hand it over without giving off salesman vibes. Say casual shit like “Give me a call sometime, I’d like to take you to dinner”. This technically lowers the number of chicks you get to follow up with, but it increases the number of babes that actually sleep with you. It’s kind of like lowering your acquisition numbers, but increasing conversion rates – in case you’re a fan of Google Ads phrasing. Increase quality, not quantity.
When you ask a chick to give you her number, you are kind of implying that you are going to have power over her, in the sense that you get to decide when you call her. She can see this as a potential bother. Some random dude knows her number and he can call her whenever he wants. Hell, most chicks use socials instead of numbers. Can you imagine giving your socials out to potentially dangerous people? Yeah, it’s creepy. That’s why you let them make the second move. Now I’ll be honest, most of them won’t reach out, but that’s ok. The ones that will are going to see you as a respectable and trustworthy person and you can’t put a price on that kind of connection.
Saying the Right Things
I often ask chicks to join me for walks, especially if there’s a river bank around. It’s romantic stuff and it gets people in a good mood. Sure, you could just ask a babe to come back home with you, but it’s more likely to scare her off. Here’s where shit gets fucked up, though. Most of the time, when I ask babes to go for a walk with me, they refuse and suggest we go bang instead. Most of the time I ask chicks to go bang, they want to go for a walk. This seems to suggest that women’s heads are on backwards, or they just like playing contrarian. Or, they’re intimidated by the directness and made comfortable by patience and romance. You could see this as a lesson to just say the opposite of what you want, but I have a better conclusion for you.
Find a middle ground. Instead of asking her to go out, or in, or sideways, or upside down…tell her you’d like to spend time with her. After all, that phrase is a lot more accurate across the board than any single invite you can muster. Just… put that out there. You want to spend time with her. Let her decide what that’s going to mean. Let her make a counteroffer. Consider her offer and make your decision. It’s a much nicer system for moving forward in life. Often, we tell dudes to be more assertive, but that doesn’t mean you have to make every single decision for other people. Just state what you want and let the people around you connect to you through what you’re putting out there.
Balanced Extraversion
Some chicks like loud dudes, while others prefer the strong silent type. Both of these character traits are dumb. Hot take? I don’t care. Listen up. Being the quiet dude in the corner of the room, sipping his drink and waiting for life to happen to him is pathetic. I don’t care how many goth gfs it may or may not net you. You’re delusional. Being a class clown also makes me cringe, because the guy yelling over everyone else to make himself look cool is an asshole. The women that gravitate to these kinds of men usually have severe issues and a need to prove that they’re cool. Fuck all of this noise.
You want to be down the middle. You want to be the guy that has strong opinions, but is willing to compromise. You want to be the guy that speaks when people are listening and listens when people speak. Do you know what usually happens when you look into someone’s eyes and say nothing? That’s right, they talk. Try that sometime. Try saying hello and letting the other person explore the silence a bit before you start talking about your Magic the Gathering deck. I’m sure a lot of people want to hear about it and you should definitely talk about your passions, but for fuck’s sakes, give people a chance to ask first.
How to Pitch Woo
Here’s why pick-up lines don’t usually work and some advice on how to make them work. I’ve told women they’re beautiful before. It didn’t work when I was young. I was weird, self-conscious, loud and kind of sweaty. Same line, 20 years later, panty wetter. Why? Because nowadays, when I give women compliments, I look them in the eyes, I don’t blink much, I don’t sway, swoon or otherwise shake. I sit there, sipping my drink, minding my business and, well, speaking my truth.
Also, and this part is key – I don’t expect a response. Telling someone they’re beautiful is a gift, not an invitation. Remember that. Whether she says “thank you” or “fuck off” your message stays the same. It’s a one-way gift, like a fucking postcard. Treat all your “lines” this way.
Here’s a mantra for you, to help you remember this shit in action:
“Speak what you believe, offer what you want to give, do not ask for that which you are not entitled to.”
In other words, you can tell a waitress she’s beautiful, you can offer to take her out to dinner and you can ask her to bring you a drink. You can’t ask her for sex. You can offer it, if you want to, but you’re not entitled to it. Simple.
Why Waitresses?
I refuse to dignify that with an answer.
Presenting Yourself in the Best Light
Not the suit, not the sweatpants, not the T-shirt or the bling. Dress for function, not fashion. Yes, fashion’s great and all, but you’re a human being, not a mannequin. A guy who dresses to impress isn’t using his time to get shit done. Wear gym clothes on your way to the gym. Wear work attire on your way to work. Wear what makes you feel like yourself the rest of the time. If you’re deep into black metal, then fucking wear a Burzum shirt at a classy affair. It’s who you are. Don’t change yourself to fit in. Conformity is suicide. You deserve better.
It’s kind of like that line from Spiderman, you know, when Tony is speaking to Parker about the suit. If you’re nothing without it then you don’t deserve to have it. Same principle applies here. If you can’t pick up chicks in flip-flops and a pink belly shirt, then no amount of Hugo Boss is going to make you a better man. Clothes don’t make the man. The man does. The clothes are an accessory that brings out the inner you.
If you’d like a contemporary example to drive the point home: Barney Stinson wears suits, Ted wears sweaters. Robin banged them both. Robin didn’t give a shit about the suits or the sweaters. But both men wore what made them feel comfortable in their own skin. That’s the ticket.
The Anger, The Despondence, The Hate
Let’s get deep with each other, you and me. I wouldn’t be a very honest parasocial friend to you if I didn’t acknowledge that most men who need dating advice are practically seething from all the rejection. I don’t blame them. I really don’t. Being rejected a thousand times over and generally treated like a punching bag is enough to drive anyone insane.
The real trick here is to keep reminding yourself that it’s simply not your fault. The deck is stacked against you. It’s stacked against all of us. The world is upside down and no-one is winning. It might not seem that way when you see photos on socials of rich dudes on yachts, surrounded by bitches. But those bitches are paid for their time, in cash or Versace. You don’t want this. You think you want this, but it’s a lonely lifestyle. Hell, it’s worse than what you have right now.
Dudes who are genuinely happy with gorgeous chicks don’t go around posting them on the internet. They’re too busy having earth-shattering sex. That should and could be you. There’s no online precedent for this because happy couples are, well, too busy being happy. Endeavor to be more like them, by being more of yourself.
If you’re an incel, that just means you’re a virgin. Every single person who fucks bitches was once a virgin. Believe it or not, I was once a virgin too. That literally means that for a few years I was a proper, honest-to-God incel. Stop acting like this is embarrassing and start seeing it as the beginning of a long sexual epic.
The Three Spheres of Loser Mentality
You’re Ugly
So is Ron Jeremy. Next!
Just kidding. Look, you might have a face that only a mother could love, but when that face is between a woman’s legs, making her moan in ecstasy, I can guarantee you, she’s going to learn to love it fast. The only real problem with being ugly is the initial impression and as a man you can take some steps to improve that first impression.
At this point I’m just saying shit you’ve heard before, but it matters damn it. Shower, shave, haircut. Cologne, deodorant and perfume. One spritz of each. Don’t go around smelling like a perfumer. Hygiene is more important than looks, but looks matter as well.
As for your form, well, it’s up to you. You can be a fat fuck and still get laid. Something, something, Tony Soprano. I would recommend that you hit the gym, but, choose your own target goal. There is no clear winner between lean and buff or athletic and strong. You choose. Like with the outfits, be the best you that you can be. Also, pro-tip, chicks don’t actually care about abs. They just pretend that they do. Trust me on this. At most they just want a clean dick.
You’re Stupid
I’ve seen a lot of advice among dating forums on how dudes should go out of their way to sound smart, even when they have no idea what they’re talking about. Mention the NASDAQ, use legal terminology, smash a thesaurus. No. Just no. Everyone is smart in their own way. Find the stuff that you’re genuinely good at and talk about that.
Even if the only thing you know about life is video games and porn, you’ve got more than enough ammunition there to cover just about any conversation, you just have to give yourself a chance. Hell, imagine you find yourself in a political conversation and someone’s talking about food distribution rights. You could hit them with a hot take on the implications of a socialist distribution of food under a communist state. They’ll think you’ve read Marx, when really you’re just referencing your latest RimWorld save. You’re smart. Everyone is smart. Stop comparing yourself to other people’s bullshit.
You’re Boring
This one’s my favorite. Apparently, talking about games, anime and TV series is boring to most women. Or so I hear. But those same women have seen every episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. They think your hobbies are lame. You think their hobbies are lame. Good. I’d rather live the rest of my life celibate than watch that reality TV drivel.
You don’t have to impress other people with what they consider interesting. Most people are idiots anyways. And, if you’re the idiot with the shitty taste, well, at least it’s your taste. As long as you’re not fascinated by the chemical composition of fecal matter, I’m sure you’re a swell guy with fun interests. You just have to hold out for someone who also cares about those things.
Why All the References to Video Games?
I will not dignify that with an answer.
Location, Location, Location
You go to a club at night looking for love, but none of the babes there are interested in your Hot Wheels collection. Yeah, numbnuts. No shit. They’re there to get wasted and catch venereal diseases. If that disgusts you, then why the fuck are you there in the first place? If you want to bang a stranger in a piss-stained bathroom, go ahead. But, don’t expect respect or human decency. The chicks that actually like Hot Wheels will be found in the vicinity of actual fucking Hot Wheels. It’s not rocket science.
You want to bang relatable babes; you get yourself a club membership. I don’t care which club. As long as it’s something you enjoy doing, you’re going to have a great time. Go to a Karate club. Join a gym. Sign up for the damn Salvation Army, I don’t care. Go wash dishes at a homeless shelter. I’m not saying you should be picking up every babe you meet there. I’m saying that if you’re a cool dude who gets shit done in a productive environment, you’ll soar. The babes will be asking you out. Hell, you can make female friends and meet chicks through them. The world is your oyster. Put yourself in a situation where you find what you’re looking for just by being present.
Wrong Place, Wrong Time
This part is super important – just because there are bitches at the mall, doesn’t mean that hanging out at the mall is going to get you bitches. There’s a reason why I said you need a productive environment. The average park is loaded with hot young babes, but they’re not there to be flirted with. You can try, but don’t expect results. Also, don’t blame them or your looks and charisma for failing. You fucked up your geo.
Pick-up artists keep making videos in which they pick up babes in public places, but this is dumb on its face and here’s why. The average woman moving in a three-dimensional space is usually, if not always, going to a fucking destination. Again, not rocket science. She’s going from A to B, probably to or from her job, and you want her to stop moving so you can offer her your dick. How well can you possibly expect that to go. You could be the richest, hottest man in the universe and still she has every reason to tell you to piss off. Why are you putting yourself in that position?
The Pussy Crop
I got that phrase from Filthy Frank. Sounds like I invented it. I didn’t. Let me tell you the main reason why it makes sense to date multiple women at a time, in the early stages. You can settle down with one babe down the line, but we’re talking about the actual first to third-date scenarios.
When you first hit it off with a girl, especially after a first date, you tend to obsess about her. Don’t lie to me, we all do it. If you’re a cool dude with a lot of experience, you learn how not to do that. You become jaded and you even out. However, in the early stages of babe fucking, you’ll practically be falling in love with every pussy you sniff. You don’t want this. She definitely doesn’t want this. You need to be cool about it. But how cool is the right amount of cool? Do you write her 10 times a day or 1? Do you wait two days to call back or three?
The answers reveal themselves to you, if you’re dating multiple women at a time. Making time for one woman automatically means you neglect the other. That neglect is actually well received, because no human being likes being pinged 100 times over on socials by some guy they slept with the night prior. The proper way to do this, once you mature enough in the field, is to actually replace babe time with hobby time. This works best if your hobbies are also productive. But, if you find yourself with nothing better to do than obsessing about the cute girl next door – find another girl to obsess about immediately. Then, find another and another and another after that. Stop dwelling on one woman. It’s not good for you and it’s certainly not good for her.
The Personal Bubble – And Not Being a Creep
The average dude nowadays seems to be generally terrible at giving women proper space, while also engaging them romantically. Here’s the ELI5 on that. Don’t touch them. Ever. Make it so that they touch you, if and when they want to. Then, you touch back. Tell them that you want to be touched. Tell them that you want to spend time with them. Do not initiate the physical connection. I keep seeing dudes putting their arms around chicks in clubs and it’s the worst shit ever. Even when the dudes are attractive and seemingly cool, the girls visibly recoil in disgust. Grabbing people is not sexy. Who knew?
Center yourself. Find your own personal bubble, not everyone else’s. Protect your personal bubble and you’ll do just fine with other people. Remember, the bottom line here is that you should be comfortable being yourself, no matter what, no matter where. Don’t stand if you feel like sitting. Don’t sit if you feel like standing. Don’t drink if you’re not thirsty. Follow your own rules. You’ll be drowning in pussy before you can say “Thanks PornDude. I owe you my dick”.
I’ve decided to share my secret tips on how to last longer in bed so you can enjoy more pleasurable and satisfying intimate moments after you score with that pussy!
Stay tuned for my next in-depth tutorial, which will feature hardcore sexual penetration and tips on satisfying a woman in bed.
