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Remember being a young man and going to a friend’s house for sleepovers? So many people harbor fond memories of staying up late with their best buds, playing video games, eating candy, and drinking Mountain Dew. It’s the epitome of youthful fun. Here’s the thing, though. I never had sleepovers with my best friends. Why? Well, it’s simple. My best friends’ moms were ugly sacks of shit.
How much I liked someone had nothing to do with my urge to sleep over at someone’s house. For me, it was all about how hot their mom was. I could deal with the lamest of nerds or most violent bullies as long as their mom was hot. My entire goal was to get a sneak peek of her in the shower or changing. The grand slam was if I could sneak in while she and hubby were fucking.
This had to be done extremely carefully. It only takes being busted once never to be invited to a sleepover at someone’s house again. Finding a masturbating twelve-year-old in your bedroom tends to ruin relationships even when they were not invited.
MILFquilThe largest hurdle to catching someone’s mom naked is the kid I’m supposed to be hanging out with. Youngsters want to stay up all night during sleepovers, but some dumb nerd staying up all night ruins my ability to sneak away. That’s why I never slept over somewhere without bringing a couple of bottles of Nyquil. The sweet nectar known as Mountain Dew covered the taste perfectly, and it’s potent enough to counteract the caffeine. I only brought a second bottle if I was visiting a single mother. That way, if given the opportunity, I could slip a little to her also. Just enough to get her loopy and forget I’m twelve.
If I felt the dad would present any problems, I’d steal a little of my parents’ vodka and sneak it into his beer. This wasn’t in the hope he would pass out so I could bang his wife. It would be so he would get drunk and amorous and try to bang his wife. That way, I could sneak in the bedroom closet and get a beat session in. Needless to say, I spent a lot of time in closets during my childhood. I was a latchkey kid of my own design.
My penchant for sleepover masturbation came with a couple of positive side effects. First off, thanks to the advent of the disposable camera, I was never bullied again. It’s tough to bully a kid who has a picture of your mom fucking the mailman. So from that point on, they treated me like royalty. They even helped set up their friends because misery loves company.
Ever since American Pie and Stiffler’s mom, young men everywhere have been obsessed with fucking MILFs. Character actress Jennifer Coolidge played Stiffler’s mom. Her huge fake tits, lip injections, and pouty facial expression defined what being a MILF was to a couple of different generations. There isn’t a man on earth that saw American Pie who didn’t want to fuck an apple pie while watching a mature lady getting dicked down.
Jennifer wasn’t the first MILF to bring mature ladies to the forefront of sexy. The graduate helped elevate the MILF to part of the national conversation. The term Mother I’d Like to Fuck hadn’t even been invented yet, let alone reach the average person’s lexicon. Anne Bancroft played the iconic role in the late sixties, at the peak of the sexual revolution. It was the timing that stamped the MILF forever into male brains.
The MILF is at the perfect age of fuckability. Not enough time has passed for her body to be ravaged by its winds, but enough has passed that she has become a cock expert. She has pleased more than her fair share of gentlemen by that point and has a grasp on what men’s penises want to feel. Stupid teens wouldn’t know what to do with a cock if it slapped them in the face. Trust me. I have slapped plenty of teens in the face with my cock.
The term MILF implies that a bitch has pumped out a kid or two. Many men would assume that means that a bitch’s pussy is blown out, but you would be incorrect. Pregnancy strengthens a bitch’s pussy like nothing else. It’s almost as if the pussy becomes prehensile like a thumb. It might frighten you at first but don’t worry. It feels like she has a midget shoved up her pussy that is jerking you off with its tiny hands, but that’s just her pelvic floor muscles tenderizing your cock like it’s making chicken parm. By the time you pull it out, it’s going to look like old fruit.
There are many places to find your daily allotment of MILF porn, but Eporner is one of the best. Of course, the entire porn site is fantastic, but the MILF category is exceptionally well equipped. They say it best, “MILF porn is dedicated to the hottest moms and mature women of attractively tight bodies… The sexiest experience women and housewives with an enormous love for fucking to satisfy their perverted desires in hardcore scenes.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.
The main menu sits up top and contains the options Live sex, Search bar, Upload video, A day and night mode switch, A language selector, Log-in, Sign-up, Home, Videos, 4K porn, Best videos, Categories, pornstars, Pics and gifs, Community, Live cams, Meet and fuck, and live sex. Live sex, Meet and fuck, and live cams are links to other sites. Eporner has fans worldwide, so they offer their site in several different translations, including Polish, German, French, Italian, and Portuguese.
Below the main menu is a search filter with the options Most recent, Weekly top, Monthly top, Most viewed, top-rated, and Longest. If you have been reading my articles for some time, you know I love when sites include a “longest” filter. I tend to dive into marathon masturbation sessions that can take hours and hours, so I need content that can last as long as I do.
Two more filters run down the left side. The first is production filters to separate the amateur and professional content. After that is an extremely lengthy category list. If you finish with MILFs you can find a thousand other types of porn on Eporner. But who am I kidding? No one ever gets bored of MILFs.
The video player screens contain a truck full of information about the content. There are also scenes and statistics besides all the usual shit like Tags, categories, related content, title, and comments. The scenes section provides thumbnails portraying all the significant events that take place in the porn—shit like when the titties make their way out or when a blow job starts.
The statistics show you a line graph depicting the popularity of a piece of content over time. Content tends to become popular in waves. You will be happy to see you can both save the content to a favorites folder and download it to your computer. Downloads happen quickly and easily. They offer multiple video qualities depending on how powerful your computer is. Anywhere from 240P to 1080P is available.
Sharing is CaringDon’t be shy. Feel free to share any of your favorite content on your social media accounts. Family, friends, and potential employers love seeing you have a healthy sex drive and appreciate older women. More than likely, sharing that information will get you laid. Expect a torrent of direct messages from your friend’s moms and your old grade school teachers.
Not only is Eporner one of the best porn websites around, but it also has a world-class MILF section packed with the sexiest mothers this earth has to offer. The selection will make your head spin. Not only can you enjoy the videos on-site, but you can also download them so you can watch your favorite moms get dicked down anytime you like. Did I die and go to MILF heaven?
There is so much to love about Eporner, but that doesn’t mean the place is perfect. If I were going to add something, it would be a subcategory search option. That way, I could search only the MILFs for things like big tits, anal, and ebony. I don’t stop at MILF. I can add adjectives all day, and I appreciate it when a website supports my curiosity.
Whether it be a Mrs. Robinson type or a Stifflers mom-type, your penis wants to experience the pussy of a woman who knows what a cock craves. Head over to Eporner right away and get that monkey off your back.
- Day and night mode
- No subcategory searches