Film1k has kind of an ambiguous name for a website, but I bet the fact that I’m talking about it here at ThePornDude gives you some ideas about just what kind of films they’re showing. The thing is, it isn’t quite the usual collection of hardcore blowjobs, lesbian scissoring, and extreme gangbangs I usually review here. In fact, the older fuckers in the audience might get a distinct video store vibe from the place. Not just because the movies are old, the kind of features you would have found on VHS back in the day, but also because you’ve got some big choices to make. Will you be jerking off or just taking bong hits and chuckling along with your friends?
Well, if you’re just looking for a quick fap to a little bit of explicit fucking, Film1k.com is probably not the place for you. On the contrary, this is for those of you who’d prefer to settle in for something longer, with at least some sort of vague plotline along with some jokes, action, and gore to keep the non-sex scenes interesting. It’s a growing archive of free, full-length films with erotic elements, and its fan base is growing along with its library. They’re on track to get a couple of million visits this month, with a trajectory climbing steadily higher. If the line outside the shop is that long, I’m guessing they’ve got some quality content on the shelves.
Like That Weird Video Store in Your Old Town
Most visitors will know if they’re in the right place when they hit the front page of Film 1k. Instead of the usual flesh-and-fluid screencaps from porn you find on any random sex tube or paysite, the thumbnails here are video case covers and movie posters for the flicks contained within. It’s immediately apparent these movies aren’t going to be as filthy as your usual Pornhub fare.
I don’t consider myself a huge film buff, but I’ve always loved the weird stuff, and I was a regular at a freaky local video store with a big 666 sign in the window. So I know my shit a little bit. Right away, I noticed this site has a lot of classic titles and famous directors. “Classic” and “famous” may be loaded words here because these might appeal more to stoners, art students, punk rockers, gorehounds, perverts, and general deviates than your average moviegoer. In other words, it’s my kind of place!
One of the movies currently at the top of the front page is a rollicking 1979 erotic comedy called Squeeze Play. I’ve never seen it, but it’s directed by Troma mastermind Lloyd Kaufman, and the opening screenshot features a beautiful woman with feathered ‘70s hair and her big tits out in the open. Other titles spotted on the Film1k.com front page include Erotica, Heavenly Bodies, and Wild Gals of the Naked West, all directed by sexploitation maestro Russ Meyer. Of course, Herschell Gordon Lewis is best known for his pioneering work in the splatter genre, but the title alone for Nature’s Playmates hints at a different type of titillating cinema.
Man, this place is a blast from the past in all the right ways. If you’re horny and nostalgic for weird video rental stores, you’re in for a treat. If you’re younger and never got to experience the real thing firsthand, I recommend burning some popcorn and leaving a few of your most cum-drenched socks to get the aroma right as you peruse these virtual shelves. The only thing missing is the surly longhair, bored teenager, or goth tranny behind the counter.
Sexy Babes and High Weirdness on Film
Film1k.com has a lot in common with those old video stores, including one of the classic problems: where the hell do you start? The collection currently spans 6000 movies, so you might get a little hung up if you’re the kind of indecisive viewer who spends hours adding to your Netflix queue or flipping through preview thumbnails.
They do their best to make it easier, though. I recommend starting at the Categories page, where you’ve got your choice of various erotic genres. There’s a famous-looking ‘80s bimbo choking a dude in the thumbnail for Best Action Movies, and I’m pretty sure that’s a young Nicolas Cage representing the shelf piled up with the Best Romance Movies. There are also Thrillers and War Movies, Comedies and Sci-Fi, Horror, and Adventure. Jerk off while laughing, crying, or cringing in absolute terror.
There’s also a cloud of clickable tags down in the footer, offering quick access to vintage films from around the world, from Argentina to Italy to Yugoslavia. I wish the tagging was more robust, which would make it easier to find specific content, whether that be plotlines, fetishes, actresses, or otherwise. At the same time, I understand the logistical issues involved, so I can’t really complain. It’s hard enough to do tags right on a user-uploaded tube with short clips, but these guys are trafficking in full-length cinema. There’s a lot of work involved.
I made my way to Film1k’s Animation section. They’ve only got half a dozen cartoons, including the 1981 and 2000 versions of Heavy Metal. They’ve also got Evil Toons, a 1992 movie I remember being like a raunchy Who Framed Roger Rabbit. It’s only got a 29% on Rotten Tomatoes, but David motherfucking Carradine is on the cover. Apparently, when he wasn’t choking himself to death while masturbating, he sometimes got into some weird shit.
The individual movie pages on Film1k.com offer up some metadata like directors, runtimes, genres, and languages, which can be helpful when you’re searching for content. There’s also a built-in rating system so you can find out what other viewers think. The review scores at Rotten Tomatoes are averaged from all kinds of viewers, but I’m guessing Film1k appeals to more specific demographics. Even here, though, Evil Toons only has a 50%, so maybe it doesn’t hold up to my childhood opinion.
What Are We Watching Tonight on Film 1K?
This is the point of my review where I usually get into the fap testing, but I’m not sure my usual routine is appropriate here. There are boobs and sex in the Film1k collection, for sure, but are these really the kind of movies you beat off to? It’s a funny question that might have had a different answer a few decades ago. These are videos from a different era, before the dawn of the internet and the rise of reality porn. Your dad or grandpa may have rented some of these and rubbed a few out back in the day, even if they’ve long since moved on to Brazzers.
I considered diving in with the notorious Salo, an Italian interpretation of the Marquis de Sade’s 120 Days of Sodom that’s rumored to be just as shocking today as when it was released in 1975. Then I considered Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 because I couldn’t remember any sex scenes in the film. Titles like Lovebox, The Ecstasies of Women, and Sexually Altered States caught my eye as well.
In the end, I decided to start with something I’d never heard of. The cover for 1978’s What’s Up Nurse, displayed proudly on the first page of Film1k.com’s Comedy section, made my dick throb with its depiction of a nurse wearing basically nothing. Hell, if nurses really looked like that, I would have tried to catch COVID right when it started.
They don’t actually host any of the movies on Film 1k and instead use file locker services to host and serve up the films. So I was really expecting a bit more spam and buffering, but the video started playing as soon as I hit Play. It isn’t 4K, but it looks good for a movie shot so long ago. It opens with a woman on a train sensually touching herself as the businessman across from her tries not to stare. He follows her to the bathroom, where her top comes off, and the intro credits begin to roll.
It’s a 76-minute feature film, so I’m going to wrap this up, pack a bowl and dig out a masturbation sleeve, just in case. My enthusiasm for Film1k.com is a little different from my enthusiasm when writing up a hardcore porn site, but this one’s going to be a real winner for a certain subset of my visitors. It’s an easy recommendation for anybody who misses video stores and the strange erotic titles you’d find mixed in with the more wholesome tapes, as well as for anyone curious about the soft smut that permeated the VHS market before the internet arrived. You might not have an orgasm, but you will have a fun time. Bring weed.