Vintage Tube XXX! We’re going retro, boys and girls. Long before the internet came in and changed the game, we had to fap to actual VHS tape videos that maxed out at a dogshit resolution that you’ve never even heard of. They were more messy and blurry than modern 240p videos. That should tell you everything you need to know about the quality. But, there was still a lot of charm in porn back then. The biggest challenge was the actual making of the porn and the distribution. The world frowned upon the pornographic industry. It wasn’t easy to make smut back then.
The simple act of showing a blowjob on camera was considered a severely immoral act reserved for the most depraved perverts. These days an average 18-year-old has consumed more pornography by his 19th birthday than the entire compendium of smut until 1999. We’re living in the digital age. Back then, people lived in the stone age of smut. You had to physically purchase a VHS tape, go back to your house, wait for your parents to go to bed, then pop that bad boy into the video player and try your best to hear the smut. It was hard. The videotape whirred louder than the moans on screen, and you couldn’t afford to blast that shit any louder from fear of being heard by your neighbors.
Retro Smut Was Weird
That still wasn’t even the worst of it. The actual smut was so painfully vanilla that I struggle to pop a boner watching it today. I’m desensitized. If a chick isn’t actively spreading her asshole open with several toys at a time, I don’t even bother to wake my dick up. I’m a man of sophisticated tastes. Back in the 70s and 80s, porn mainly was about story and intricate man-on-woman interactions that kind of felt like watching your actual literal parents conceiving your sorry ass on their honeymoon. What I’m saying is, it wasn’t hot, and it was realistic. Realism ruins smut faster than lack of consent.
But, we’re in the future now, and nostalgia is very much a powerful aphrodisiac. When you’ve jerked off to every camwhore that’s come out in the past 10 years, you might get complacent. You might get a taste for the simpler days when vaginas looked like the great Amazon before modern deforestation gave it tree alopecia. Vaginas were bushy. That’s the joke. I don’t know how razor companies managed to stay solvent back then. As far as I can tell, no-one shaved anything. To find the clitoris on a 70s porn vagina, you need a large dedicated team of excavators and several high-powered flashlights. Don’t forget to pack provisions.
Let’s Go Back to Basics
Nostalgia can be sexy, and VintageTube is here to profit from that concept. I don’t think I’ve ever gone this long into a review without mentioning the actual site I’m reviewing, but I’ll be damned if retro porn doesn’t bring out the poet in me. This shit gets me really creative and teary-eyed every time. It’s endearing to see how far we’ve come. All right, let’s talk about VintageTube. This site is loaded to the brim with thousands of classical porn movies from the olden days
. Most of these are older than your mom. Most of them also have more cocks in them than your mom on an average Friday night. Back in the 70s and 80s, porn producers were too shy to admit that the whole point of porn is to get dudes to feast their eyes on chicks. So, instead, they made long-form movies with actual stories. That’s what you get on VintageTube.
Many of these videos have the boring bits edited out, but most of them are pretty much just transferred over into digital form straight from their VHS origins. That means that you get around 20 to 30 minutes of actual fucking for every hour-long smut movie on this site. The rest of it is the plot. I hate plot. Back then, regular movies were boring as hell. You can only imagine the quality of the writing inside actual pornography. This is where plumber jokes were born. A pipe bursts, a housewife calls a plumber, the plumber arrives, and by the time he’s balls deep inside her vagina, you’ve wasted 20 years of your life.
A Very Popular Site
Maybe I’m a bit too young for this demographic, or I’m just not nostalgic enough. Maybe VintageTube is trying to appeal to the boomers in the audience. We may never know. What I do know is that this site is doing something right, for sure. I can tell that they’re successful. They’re constantly adding new smut on their site, and these videos aren’t exactly cheap to host
. They aren’t embedded from a third-party source, as far as I can tell. You’re watching the OG Ron Jeremy collections straight from VintageTube’s domain.
VintageTube is an absolute bottomless pit of ancient pornography. You could straight up use this site for your next history paper, in case you need references. And speaking of history, there are quite a few videos here that make the 70s look like the modern-day. That’s right – VintageTube has a bunch of black and white smut videos from the 1920s. At least, I’m guessing it’s the 1920s from the style. A lot of them are compilations of photographs, but either way, you get to see what sex looked like long before your grandparents were born. I’ll give you a teaser: It wasn’t sexy. This shit seems like something you’d catch at 4 am on National Geographic. Still, it’s an essential part of history, and some people like to jerk off to it, so by all means, dive right in.
It’s a Decent Site
Design-wise, I have no gripes with VintageTube. It’s an adequately styled site with a great video player that is responsive and quick. I never had to wait for videos to load, and I could skip through them with ease. I could also tell that the videos weren’t further compressed from the original sources. I watched them in the highest available resolution. So, credit where credit is due – VintageTube is a very well-designed site
. The categories on the side are also quite welcome; even though I think it’s a lot more fun to just dive into the videos at random, I also liked seeing what the all-time most viewed videos were. I like getting into the mind of nostalgic fappers.
On the other side of the coin, this site has a bit too many ads. The ads on the main page aren’t a problem at all. They stay within their lane, far from the actual video thumbnails. There are also ads on the video player’s side when you dive in, and those are also not too intrusive. However, ads that roll on top of the actual videos are a bit of a fucking headache. I could have done without them. The site is still pretty enjoyable without any ad-block, but they’re just about pushing the limits on the number of ads you can have before giving your viewers a stroke. At the very least, there are no ads in the middle of the videos. Once the smut starts, the ads fuck off. You don’t get interrupted.
The best part of VintageTube has to be foreign videos because they’re both ancient and from random-ass European countries. This means that you’re not just jumping back through time; you’re also jumping across continental lines. It feels like sexual time traveling. Haven’t you ever wondered what sex was like in 1960s France? Well, now you can find out. Dive into some ancient French pussy on VintageTube. You won’t regret it. Well, unless you hate hairy vaginas.
Hell, if I had one recommendation for this site, they should add a switch that hides all the videos that contain overly hairy vaginas, but that’s just me. The foreign videos make this site a fucking goldmine. The Italian stuff especially is fucking good. It’s unique and eccentric, and it features some raw scenes that put modern pornography to shame. They even went out of their way to include some original Rocco Siffredi videos. Now that’s thorough smut history.
If you want to jump back in time with your cock in your hands and see some ancient pussy, by all means, check out VintageTube. You’ll find what you’re looking for. And, if you accidentally manage to run into a smut video featuring your mother, well, I’m sorry, that’s on you. You knew the risks: happy retro fapping, my dudes.