A decade ago, social media was a nice, low-key way to jack off to hot pictures of your coworkers and that sexy cousin of yours. It’s gotten better for perverts as the next generation of attention whores has tried to expose themselves to Internet fame on sites like Snapchat, Instagram and OnlyFans. I’ve actually been trying to shake my dick at Tumblr lately, even though most people don’t really associate the microblogging platform with sex.
Tumbl.com gets millions of visitors a day. Now, most of them ain’t on the same masturbatory mission as you or I, but a userbase that big is bound to have a lot of horny motherfuckers, sexy exhibitionist bitches, and outright perverts. Today, I’m typing “Sex” into their search bar to see tons of user-contributed adult content. Hit the link if you want to follow along at home.
Tons of Users Means Tons of Porn, Right?
Tumblr.com has been around since 2007. They never got as big as MySpace, but they didn’t have a sudden die-off like the former social media giant. They’ve always just occupied this weird space of their own, and I know at least half of you are just wondering, “Who the fuck even uses Tumblr?”
It’s a mixed bag, for sure. The trending content right now on the site’s front page includes embarrassing anime memes, nature photography, inspirational quotes for soccer moms and angry social-justice mini-rants. I don’t see a single thing related to porn, sex, or even beautiful, naked women. Hell, I had to scroll for a couple of minutes before I even saw a model in her underwear with a bunch of fashion-related hashtags.
I guess it’s one of those places like Reddit, where the sex ain’t immediately visible but runs deep just because they have so many users. As soon as I type “Sex” into the box, the whole flavor of the site changes. I like their selection of related hashtags that pop up when I do my search: Love, Couple, Hot, Daddy, and Relationships.
Daddy, huh? It looks like Tumblr.com folks are kinkier than you might guess from the tame bullshit they’re hyping out front. It’s pretty common for people to think about love, couples and relationships when they think about sex, but the prominent inclusion of #daddy tells you a lot about the users around here.
One thing that’s instantly apparent, though, is that Tumblr doesn’t host any truly NSFW content. Even in the Sex section, I don’t see any spread twats, penetrated buttholes, cock-full mouths or even any goddamn nipples. There’s skin, and half-naked couples embracing, but the most risqué visuals are beautiful asses. Panties seem to be required, but thankfully, I guess they don’t have to cover much.
What the Fuck Happened to This Site?
I could have sworn I rubbed out a few to Tumblr.com at some point, but the bong hits I had with my breakfast Viagra made me second-guess myself. I did some research, though, and it turns out I was right. Back in 2013, more than 20% of the content on Tumblr was porno. Well, that’s also the year Yahoo bought the site, and shit just went downhill from there.
The first thing Yahoo did was restrict anything with adult tags like Dick, Butthole, Tittyfuck and Golden Showers. The content was still available, but you had to sign in to see it. I hate having to sign up to beat off, but it wasn’t a site-breaker.
It got worse at the beginning of 2018 when they implemented a Safe Mode. It let idiots, buzzkills, Karens and the impotent opt-out of seeing the site’s best content. The fucking assholes enabled the filter by default, meaning most people would never know there was porn unless somebody gave up the secret.
The final straw came less than a year later. At the end of 2018, Tumblr announced that all the real sex content was banned from the service. Photos and videos depicting sex, genitals, or female nipples were given the boot, along with the perverts who were posting it. There were some exceptions to the ban, but for the most part, they’ve never been of much interest to masturbators unless you like spanking it to baroque nude paintings.
There was major pushback against the policy, of course, but in the end, we lost. By we, I mean humanity as a whole, as we’ve been deprived of a good source of free hardcore porno. The real reasons for the ban are probably related to advertising concerns and the fact that anything with adult content is heavily restricted by those puritans at the iOS App Store.
Please Help Me Find the Porn
So if boobies and humping are banned, what kind of sex content does Tumblr.com even have? Right now, the Sex search comes up with really softcore animated GIFs of couples making out, hot girls in their underwear, and a ton of memes with dirty jokes. Oh, and a ton of totally hilarious and clever memes that say things like, “I don’t like people. I like rock and roll, sex, and pizza, in that order.” Makes you feel like busting out the lube, huh?
Tumblr never banned text-based content, so you will find some very short bits of erotica in the search results. Tumblr seems to have banned the #erotica tag because it’s unsearchable, though, and most of the text posts are jokes, poems, and rambling girly-time relationship bullshit. You can’t search for Erotica, Porn or Anal, either.
By default, you’re seeing all the posts tagged with Sex, in order of Most Popular. If you change the view to Most Recent, you’ll see that the giant userbase here is adding a steady stream of fresh, mostly SFW #sex posts. That constant influx of new material is one of the best things the site has going for it, even if it is softcore as fuck by any modern standard.
You can also filter by post type. Photos and Quotes are the most popular. I only found one video tagged with #Sex, and it was a joke video where a woman doesn’t take her clothes off and the dude doesn’t get laid.
I did find some fuck-noises and dirty talk in the sex audio posts at Tumblr. Unfortunately, they’re buried in a pile of personal intimate-time playlists and tunes people enjoy when they’re getting it on. Load up a K-pop tune and pretend you’re fingerbanging the fat virgin weeaboo who posted it.
You can also filter your results down to the Text posts. I was hoping for some hardcore lesbian erotica, but it’s mostly little quotes. “Thinking about the girl who said she can’t open her eyes during sex, cos she hates seeing men happy.” “I wanna suck my bf's cock so bad.” “I want to be happy. I wanna c myself get excited about myself again and waking up everyday.” Sexy, right?
A Variety of Sex Posts Is Good, Right?
One of the things Tumblr’s sex posts have going for them is that there’s a pretty wide diversity of content. Sure, it may be hard to shake your dick at most of it, but there’s a huge variety of sex-related content on the site
. The most recent posts include dirty jokes about COVID-19, a pillow that says WE HAD SEX HERE, and a mix CD labeled “Songs to eat you out to”. It’s fitting that they should use an outdated media format for the cunnilingus soundtrack, as Tumblr.com itself is past its prime.
If I scroll down far enough in the new shit, I do find a thick Asian girl showing off her makeup, which led me back to some fapworthy but SFW modeling shots. Further down, there’s a girl posing in some black negligee, and a vintage photo of a nude couple getting it on in a pile of cash. It’s shot from the waist up, and the girl’s boobs are covered by the dude, so it’s clean enough to jack off to on the bus without getting the Karens all angry about “porn”.
Tumblr.com was once a paradise of porn videos, pics, and amateur lesbian experiments. They’ve cleaned up their act, though, in an attempt to pull a wider userbase and more advertising money. You can still find a steady stream of uploads tagged with #sex hitting the site. While they’re almost uniformly SFW, they might at least keep your dick hard until you can get some privacy and fap to some real porno. If you’re looking for a way to skip to Tumblr’s real porn, check out my review of Tumbex!